told me he was going to Marines
and I think my reaction made him upset and sad. I was just shocked, but I want to be able to stay with him.
Now, I feel like he’s ignoring my phone calls.
Haven’t tumbled in a while.
I’ve been so busy since I started working at Whole Foods and going to school.
Like my schools own radio station.
I’m the only person listening to it right now and the people at my school that actually have the balls to go into the studio and broadcast their own radio show, I give em’ props because I couldn’t do it.
They play so many different things and to just be able to play music and not worry about whether or not people like it is awesome.
Off to Biology lab.
Was suppose to be at my job in a half hour to sign paperwork and I’m still stuck at school because I don’t have money to get home.
REALLY!?
REALLY?!
praying…. to “god” and I don’t even believe in a God. Whatthefuck.
That’s when I know I;m coming to my wits ends.
True fact. Thank you Dr. Dutton.
I’m so proud of myself, I got through Chemistry and paid attention for the most part. Towards the end I got a little antsy and kept going in and out.
I also ended up finishing my reading for English which I was convinced I wouldn’t do.
I was just thinking about how disappointed I am in myself for spending so much time for a temporary guy in my life instead of going to see my father before I moved here. I haven’t seen him since July 1st and I don’t think we said a legit goodbye because he was sleeping. What if, that is the last time I would’ve seen him? Is that how I really wanted to say goodbye? No, but I was too busy wasting my time fucking some lying, self- serving CHILD.
Listening to Nas, thank you Bola.
My horoscope calls for a good day for today:
” Let any negative comments roll right off your back and try to avoid grumpy people. TOday is a day for you to shine, to smile, and to live life to its fullest. Money is highlighted today, as is the potential to make more of it through an investment opportunity or a windfall of some kind. You should also have a very good day on the social front, with the possibility of bumping into someone special - such as a friend from the past or a new love interest. Enjoy! “
Well, that works for me! =] Lets make this happen!
Why do headphones never fit in my ears? None, ever. They always fall out and I get mad when I see someone running with ear phones and they don’t fall out!
WTF?! HOW DO THEY DO IT! ?
I can’t recall the last time I’ve hated myself and my life as much as I do right now.
School is not becoming something I understand any more, it seems to become something I understand less and less.
The guy that I want to be with lives in Florida, GO FIGURE,and he’s the only thing that can brighten up my day, he has me so figured out. He knows my needs and wants in just about every way and figured them all out on his own.
My parents divorce is on an extreme with drama at the moment and it’s interfering with my life up here.
I cry every night, i’m so afraid to fail. I can’t even stay focused on my school work anymore I don’t know what to do.
I’ve come to the conclusion that all communication with my mother will be turned off until she can be sober. Which…. at this rate may be never.
I need to go to Florida, it’s not wanting to it’s needing to. To get all of my stuff out of that house. It is evil and I don’t want any part of my life in that house. I always hated it, I always got bad vibes in that house. It was the worst idea my parents could have ever had.
As I also believe the negative energy circling in that house caused my parents divorce. Or maybe they were just a joke to begin with. They stayed together for me. But, that can’t all be true because, I’m not dead. I’m still here, breathing and it’s affecting me just as much as it would if I were there.
I guess I need to fail my first Chemistry quiz and just learn and learn and learn and do better on the future ones. That’s all I can hope for. Right?
I hope that these big rocks that are being thrown into my life and blocking me from continuing on have A GREAT reason.
Someone, something please save me from my insanity.
Does that mean that when you suck a black guys dick you get thirsty?
and depending on how dark it is does it make you thirstier?
JUST SAYING.
I was talking to a friend last night and we were discussing dreams we’ve had recently. He had told me about a dream he had about his friend and I was thinking “okay, I dream about my friends….” but what he told me after, I swear I felt like I was in his shoes and felt every feeling he did.
The story goes like this:
His dad, him, and his best friend of the time went to Canada and it was snowing so the roads were slippery. They were driving and ran into a pole. My friend told me that him and his friend had played rock, paper, scissors to see who got shotgun. My friend had won but gave it to his best friend instead.
His dad, I believe, had a broken arm and something with his ribcage, my friend had a black eye and a busted lip, his friend……… his friend had the pole holding him together and pinned to the seat. He sat there and had to watch his friend die.
UGH
I got chills when I heard this and I bit down on my teeth.
He felt so guilty of this, like it was all his fault. Ughughugh, now I can see why he is the way he is. So sincere and loving. Treating every day like it could be the last. I’m so proud of him for not crying when telling the story last night as I get teary eyed just thinking about my aunt dying or one of my friends that died in 5th grade.
Today sucked!, so far
It’s been raining all night and day and go figure I wear my Tom’s only on the days it rains… my feet have been wet and cold all day.
my sister thinks I’m ungrateful
and I….. I just want to sit in my school’s library and study. Like, I’m sorry that I think my education is super important.
I’m going to have to live in a dorm either next semester or next year. She reminds me so much of my father when he gets upset about something. They don’t fucking drop it and they try to make you feel like complete shit about what you did and manipulate you into thinking you’re 1,000% wrong and they’re 1,000,000% right.
Like, college students DON’T sit at home. They just don’t. It’s not like I’m out with friends and partying instead of spending time with them, I’M FUCKING STUDYING! I think she doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to be able to get good grades.
I’m convinced I have ADD, seriously. I’ve looked up the symptoms and it’s like someone wrote a description of my personality. I’m going to get tested for it. At least it’s that I’m getting tested for and not STD’s hah.
I wonder how I’m getting to school on Monday, I’m officially out of money. Between paying $8.50 a day for the train plus food throughout the day and then having to get school books. I’m broke. I hate living on the edge with money. I’m always wondering where my next $1 is coming from…
I do start my job tomorrow but I won’t get a paycheck for at least two weeks. fuckkk meeeee.
I’m in fear of failure, total fear. My dad keeps telling me to stop be like that because, then I will fail. UGH. I just don’t want to have to go back to Florida. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice, and maybe even 30 times. Money is the root of all evil. Money made my mother evil and made her divorce my father.
I hate her.
She called me last night and i had asked her to call me back, she didn’t.
I called her. She didn’t pick up.
I’m upset. I shouldn’t be.
She can’t help herself, it’s not even my mother that is inside of her body.
God, i need to repaint my nails they look like SHIT! EW.
Friends story, rain, sister, ADD, money, failure, mom, nails.
<3 Dianna
So much to do that I kind of just do it as I please, in tiny increments. Hoping that I’m doing my best and that I’m doing it in time.
and I feel as though I have failed at both today
I stayed with my professor for two hours today and did review on things I should’ve known in HIGH SCHOOL and was just starting to understand it towards the end of our session.
I can tell he has hope in me though or he wouldn’t have stuck around and delayed his plans with his friend.
It was just awful though, I can’t remember the last time I felt so DUMB!
And on top of that my sister is all pissed off at me because I wasn’t here for her birthday dinner party!
Like, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO!?
She’s upset at me if I wasn’t there and she’d be upset at me if I got a bad grade in the class, and I felt that me being able to understand the Chemistry work was a tad more important so I wouldn’t fail the test.
It’s like a lose- lose situation here. I don’t know.
I haven’t cried since Michael broke up with me and this time it was a lot worse.
All I could think was “I’m a failure, I can’t make anybody happy, I want to go home, I want to talk to my dad, I miss him, I miss my mom, I want to be in Florida” My mood has made me want to snap my fingers and be in Florida until I am confident again because right now I’m losing hope.
Virgos are like this, they are known for worrying about other people and wanting to take care of them and make them happy, to the point of where they don’t know how to prioritize themselves and the other person. This time, I knew and apparently I WAS WRONG!
fuck.
Depends how good you are. If you’re wack, my favorite position is with someone else.
I miss my daddy, so much!
I miss Danny
I miss working shows
I’m hungry, my tummy is burning.
and my sister said I have ruined her birthday by not being there. Sorry, I need to get a good grade in COLLEGE SO I CAN HAVE A GOOD LIFE! UGH!
I’m stressed.
I need sex.
or a cigarette. But, I don’t smoke anymore and I don’t have promiscuous sex so0o0o0o0o no pun intended but I am FUCKED!
Someone is eating pizza,iwannastealit
omnomnomnom.
=D
Library until about 6:30….. then to my Chem. professors office to get help.
Hopefully.
I just saw a dude, legit, grab his balls and hold onto them for a good 12 seconds, if you think about it that’s a decently long time to be doing such things…. and on top of that he has a small case of Tourettes. Sadly, he doesn’t curse. PAHAHA, I’m going to hell.
=D
ANYWAYS
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, sorry.
So many little things have been occurring that I said I was going to blog about and I can’t even remember them! The little things are what really do matter in life though. If you don’t see that now, you will. Hopefully not when it’s too late.
SO, I’ve been studying my ass of for this Chemistry class. It’s a little overwhelming because I feel like I’m not making any process with understanding what this dude is talking about. Sadly, I’ve been learning everything I’m learning now for the past 4 years of science classes in high school. It makes me realize a. that I never really payed attention b. I didn’t care as much as I do now c. I slept too much.
So, let’s talk love and relationships
I don’t know how many of you know my connection with bands or whatever but yeah anyways… so I became close with a few dudes from a band called In Alcatraz 1962 from NoVA and I totally fell for one of them about a year ago and apparently he was diggin’ me as well but we didn’t exchange numbers or anything. Then, for some crazy ass reason I fell for the bassist of the band,typical “Dianna-type guy” piercings tattoos, edge, who’s a totally fucking douche who has “Stay True” tattooed on him and knows nothing about “staying true” he probably doesn’t even know what it means. So, when they went to Florida this past April and stayed at my house I was like all over Jon (the bassist) and in the back of my mind I was stuck on Travy (the guy I originally liked in the band) and I felt this connection with him that I felt like I couldn’t express for OBVIOUS reasons. So, that whole thing happened and after the guys got home from tour Jon and I COMPLETELY stopped talking. I don’t talk to him now and I do not plan to contact him unless he apologizes for leaving me in the dirt. So, out of the clear blue Travy and I started getting REALLY close. Talking every day and video chatting. It was great. Constant laughing, total connection. BUT, buutttttttt, he had a girlfriend. UGH! It was so upsetting because she treated him like shit, she wouldn’t spend any time with him or anything. Something I would KILL to do/have done! SO, lets cut to the chase. Now, I feel like Travy is doing the same thing that Jon did to me, just abandoning me and making me feel like I meant NOTHING to him over the past year and a half. But, I came to the conclusion that he just honestly isn’t over his ex. She must have been AMAZING.
But on the flip side of this, I’ve reconnected with an old friend and we’ve CLICKED he’s been supportive and has really found the beauty in me. Inside and out. It’s like uhmmmmm why were you hiding for over 10 years?! He’s not afraid of distance either. True love doesn’t HAVE distance, no matter HOW FAR you are physically.
I’m sitting in Bio right now, I should probably be paying attention more, especially since I just heard “…be on the exam…” anyways…
I love black people, like seriously.
I’m going to end up marrying one, I don’t really care. I’ve always had a love for them and I’m not going to hide it anymore. If I like someone, it shouldn’t matter what their skin color is. I was raised better than that.
I think that is how I will end my blog. It’s so long!
Mucho love <3
Very true.
who try to run a game on a nigga”
I’ve kinda been lacking in the blogging department the past couple of days. I’ve been mad stressed about school. Trying to make everything as perfect as I possibly can, the reactions I get are as if they think I’m going a little too overboard, but to me this is normal.
I got my Chem. book! So bittersweet!
Chillin in the student activites room. So straight. Listening to Wu-Tang and these students talking about walking in on some dude having sex with another dude.
“Was there KY everywhere?” haha.
It’s getting really cold out up here. I believe the high is like 60 and the low is 54. I am not use to this shit but honestly it’s not as bad as Florida’s 60. I start work Saturday at 1:30, I am so ready to work and bank some money.
I contradicted myself in my last blog.
a lot happened since my blog this morning
not much happened after my blog this morning
Okay, so it was pretty neutral.
Whatevs. =3
